The Roads are Raging

August 24, 2002

Did you know that the biggest threat to U.S. National Security and economic stability today is our road system? That's right, our roads -- the quickest way to get to the heart of modern America is through our highway system. And no, I'm not talking about hazmat shipments running amok or bridges being blown up. It's far more insidious than that. Quite frankly, our roads are insane. We would have them all committed to reliable institutions, except that the politicians and judges are being paid off by the highway contractors.

The worst part is that this isn't even an organized effort, and yet it threatens to bring America to its knees. The highway contractors just want to build (and rebuild) lots of roads. The best way to do this is to build bad roads and keep fixing them. The highway engineers are all taking some really bad PCP. Except for the teetotalers, who are being paid off by the highest bidder on eBay. The money trail has been traced back to Iran, Syria, and Canada.

There is evidence everywhere. The highway system out in California is a disaster, and the insanity is contagious. If you think you're hearing voices while you're driving in California, you probably are. It's the roads, and they haven't taken their lithium for weeks. No surprises there when folks started shooting at each other in their cars -- I'm only surprised I never heard of anyone claiming a "the road made me do it" defense.

Then let's take a look at Rt. 1 as it meanders through the rolling plains of New Jersey. Now there's a brilliant idea -- let's combine a major commuting thoroughfare with strip mall heaven and litter the road with entrances and egresses every time you turn around. Then throw in a bunch of truck traffic as well, just to make life interesting. Rush hour attraction: watch the mini-vans get flattened as they try to get out of the Toys-R-Us parking lot. But that's only if the traffic is actually moving, which it usually isn't.

The economic and political consequences of all this is staggering. Think of the lost productivity as people sit in traffic, and then stew about it once they actually do reach the office. Iran is using those US currency printing plates to pay off our highway engineers, and they are spending it on investments in strip malls and PCP for their colleagues. And the PCP isn't even made in America -- it's all imports being produced by the new state-subsidized industry in Liechtenstein.

Now the diehard environmentalists and exercise nuts would say that everyone should just bicycle to work. These people are obviously dipping into some of the PCP left over from the engineering parties. I've seen people biking along Rt. 1, and had the immediate urge to call the cops to have someone put the poor person into protective custody. Bike paths? You've gotta be kidding. Rt. 1 doesn't even really have a shoulder.

No, more drastic measures are called for. Deport our highway contractors to Canada. Make the highway engineers bike along Rt. 1 every day until they're all gone, and we can start with a new batch. And the next person that tries to build a strip mall anywhere in this great country of ours will be brought up in court on charges of treason.